Do you feel like I do
Tired of everything..
Can you feel what I can
Almost everything..
I wanna leave today..
The sky is big
and my life is small
I wanna leave with you..
So we can build
a perfect garden
The stars are far away
I can see them with my eyes
I watch them fade away
Like the moments of my life
I wanna leave today..
The sky is big and
my life is small
I wanna leave with you
So we can build
a desert garden
The stars are far away
I can see them with my eyes
We watch them fade away
Like the moments of my life
Strange how the houses look
Exactly all the same..
And you're just a slave like me
At least I know it's true..
I wanna leave today..
The sky is big
and my life is small
I wanna leave with you..
So we can build
a desert garden
The stars are far away
I can see them in my eyes
We watch them fade away
Like the moments of my life..
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
My daily affirmation to Right Speech
"Aware of the suffering caused by the unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am commited to cultivating loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am determined to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope. I will not spread news that I do not know to be certain and will not criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I am determined to make all efforts to reconcile and rtesolve all conflicts, however small."
Monday, August 4, 2008
cars continued..
A little update on the whole car situation. I called BECU and spoke with someone about the repo that they had on my credit. Come to find out?? Someone put a wrong code into the "system", and it will be rectified immedietely. So I guess that is good. Still have a bit higher payment, but I can refinance in about a year through a credit union and pay less....another...big sigh...
Monday, July 28, 2008
Buying a new car...
So I must say that buying a new car sucks! It's one of those things that SHOULD be fun, but never ends up that way.
After a couple months of not knowing if my car would make it up hills, or to work or home, I finally decided it was time to retire the old lady and move on to something new. The idea excited me a bit at first being that I have never had a brand new car, or any car that wasn't co-signed on. Well, saturday was the big day. With my pops in tow, we went down to the Tom Matson Dodge in Auburn (this largely in part to the owner promising my dad that they would take SUPER good care of me). I had done my research, and knew EXACTLY what I wanted. When we got their this punk kid (maybe 21) comes out and starts talking to us like he has known us FOREVER! Now, I was in sales for many years, and I know the type of people that the field can attract. Pretty much, I got their number. So after this kid finished his well rehearsed introduction, he asked me what I was looking for. I told him that exact one that I was looking for. A black or silver Caliber SXT. So what does the guy do? He tells me about this SXT sport. With graphics, and chrome interior and all sorts of BULLSHIT that I didn't want. I told him that I wasn's looking to spend 30,000 on a car, but 15,000 for the regular SXT. Now this whole time, my dad, who was supposed to be with me to combat this kind of bullshit, is off pondering a new truck of his own on the other side of the lot...Thanks alot dad!
After going around and around with the salesboy, I finally decided to go on a test drive to shut him up once and for all. I look around for dad...still not there...hmm.
Vrroom vrrooom, so that part was done. we get back, I call my dad and tell him to get his ass back to the sales floor because we are going to talk pricing. As we sit their the salesboy continues to tell us how good of a deal we are getting with a 600 dollar payment on 350-450 car.....yah..right dude. So after haggling with this prick for about an hour, he finally gives me a price that I wanted. Done deal...or so I thought. I signed and was sent up to finance. We sit down with the lady, and the first thing out of her mouth is...WOW you have a reposession on your credit?!?! Uhhh...WHAT? I say back to her. She says, "Yah, from BECU?" At this point I am just floored. I have NEVER had a car reposessed EVER. In fact the money that I owed on the car they were concerning, was payed off and I had the proof in my hands. Well, I guess there is nothing we could do at that moment in time because they had to go off what it was at that current time. What that means is that I had to pay 5% more interest than when I was downstairs..but i needed a cr..so I did it....BIG SIGH!!!
After a couple months of not knowing if my car would make it up hills, or to work or home, I finally decided it was time to retire the old lady and move on to something new. The idea excited me a bit at first being that I have never had a brand new car, or any car that wasn't co-signed on. Well, saturday was the big day. With my pops in tow, we went down to the Tom Matson Dodge in Auburn (this largely in part to the owner promising my dad that they would take SUPER good care of me). I had done my research, and knew EXACTLY what I wanted. When we got their this punk kid (maybe 21) comes out and starts talking to us like he has known us FOREVER! Now, I was in sales for many years, and I know the type of people that the field can attract. Pretty much, I got their number. So after this kid finished his well rehearsed introduction, he asked me what I was looking for. I told him that exact one that I was looking for. A black or silver Caliber SXT. So what does the guy do? He tells me about this SXT sport. With graphics, and chrome interior and all sorts of BULLSHIT that I didn't want. I told him that I wasn's looking to spend 30,000 on a car, but 15,000 for the regular SXT. Now this whole time, my dad, who was supposed to be with me to combat this kind of bullshit, is off pondering a new truck of his own on the other side of the lot...Thanks alot dad!
After going around and around with the salesboy, I finally decided to go on a test drive to shut him up once and for all. I look around for dad...still not there...hmm.
Vrroom vrrooom, so that part was done. we get back, I call my dad and tell him to get his ass back to the sales floor because we are going to talk pricing. As we sit their the salesboy continues to tell us how good of a deal we are getting with a 600 dollar payment on 350-450 car.....yah..right dude. So after haggling with this prick for about an hour, he finally gives me a price that I wanted. Done deal...or so I thought. I signed and was sent up to finance. We sit down with the lady, and the first thing out of her mouth is...WOW you have a reposession on your credit?!?! Uhhh...WHAT? I say back to her. She says, "Yah, from BECU?" At this point I am just floored. I have NEVER had a car reposessed EVER. In fact the money that I owed on the car they were concerning, was payed off and I had the proof in my hands. Well, I guess there is nothing we could do at that moment in time because they had to go off what it was at that current time. What that means is that I had to pay 5% more interest than when I was downstairs..but i needed a cr..so I did it....BIG SIGH!!!
Monday, July 14, 2008
I've come to realize...
*I've come to realize that the happier you become with yourself, the more discontent others become with you.
*I've come to realize that true lasting relationships/friendships take time to manifest themselves, and that the ones that seem to come easy, are wonderful..but not for long.
*I've come to realize that ALL conflict is caused by an evil little asshole named EGO.
*I've come to realize that no matter how much effort you put into making other's life better, it doesn't work and will usually end in you being the bad guy.
*I've come to realize that what aggravates and annoys people around me has NOTHING to do with me, and I need to stop wondering what I could do differently.
*I've come to realize that I have lived a large portion of my life trying to live up to everyone else's standards.
*I've realized that I haven't been truly happy ever in my life until just recently.
*I've come to realize that I have fought contentment and happiness because I didn't know how to live that way and it scared the hell out of me.
*I've come to realize that just because you are the parents, doesn't mean that you know more, or that you "deserve" respect
*I've come to realize that the "prettier" you look on the outside is directly correlated with the importance of what you have to say to others.
*I've come to realize that some people do nice things for others because they want the attention and praise for doing so, NOT because they have best intentions in mind.
*I've come to realize that love does conquer all.
*I've come to realize that the more religious (not spiritual) people become, the more they find it necessary to compare themselves to the rest and judge others for not being what they are, or that they feel they have made more ground in life because they claim a "true religion" and they just hope the rest of us lost one's will find our way soon. Keep praying!!
*I've come to realize that religion has become a tool to divide the human race, and it is one of the most successful tools of all time.
*I've come to realize that it is the fear of what "could happen" that keeps most people tunnelled into thinking that their religion is the one, and prevents them from doing the math for themselves.
*I've come to realize that I respect people's bonafide faith regardless of what religion they claim. Even if I don't agree, I know we are all after the same thing and that it is their walk not mine.
*I've come to realize that I have learned more about life (forgiveness, integrity, strength, compassion) from the youngest, and smallest humans in the world.
*I've come to realize that there is NOTHING that I wouldn't do for my family, even if it pisses me off.
*I've come to realize that my favorite workout is done outside and usually consists of me climbing a large mound of dirt and rocks.
*I've come to realize that jealousy is infact a disease, and people should really focus on getting well soon.
*I've come to realize that tomorrow I may realize something contradictory to everything I just wrote.
*I've come to realize that true lasting relationships/friendships take time to manifest themselves, and that the ones that seem to come easy, are wonderful..but not for long.
*I've come to realize that ALL conflict is caused by an evil little asshole named EGO.
*I've come to realize that no matter how much effort you put into making other's life better, it doesn't work and will usually end in you being the bad guy.
*I've come to realize that what aggravates and annoys people around me has NOTHING to do with me, and I need to stop wondering what I could do differently.
*I've come to realize that I have lived a large portion of my life trying to live up to everyone else's standards.
*I've realized that I haven't been truly happy ever in my life until just recently.
*I've come to realize that I have fought contentment and happiness because I didn't know how to live that way and it scared the hell out of me.
*I've come to realize that just because you are the parents, doesn't mean that you know more, or that you "deserve" respect
*I've come to realize that the "prettier" you look on the outside is directly correlated with the importance of what you have to say to others.
*I've come to realize that some people do nice things for others because they want the attention and praise for doing so, NOT because they have best intentions in mind.
*I've come to realize that love does conquer all.
*I've come to realize that the more religious (not spiritual) people become, the more they find it necessary to compare themselves to the rest and judge others for not being what they are, or that they feel they have made more ground in life because they claim a "true religion" and they just hope the rest of us lost one's will find our way soon. Keep praying!!
*I've come to realize that religion has become a tool to divide the human race, and it is one of the most successful tools of all time.
*I've come to realize that it is the fear of what "could happen" that keeps most people tunnelled into thinking that their religion is the one, and prevents them from doing the math for themselves.
*I've come to realize that I respect people's bonafide faith regardless of what religion they claim. Even if I don't agree, I know we are all after the same thing and that it is their walk not mine.
*I've come to realize that I have learned more about life (forgiveness, integrity, strength, compassion) from the youngest, and smallest humans in the world.
*I've come to realize that there is NOTHING that I wouldn't do for my family, even if it pisses me off.
*I've come to realize that my favorite workout is done outside and usually consists of me climbing a large mound of dirt and rocks.
*I've come to realize that jealousy is infact a disease, and people should really focus on getting well soon.
*I've come to realize that tomorrow I may realize something contradictory to everything I just wrote.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Suicide
Reaching out to you
my arms outstretched.
Because what I have to say
It is truly for the best
"Please stop"
"You don't need to do this alone"
You are too far away.
With clouds in your eyes
You whisper back,
"I'm so sorry baby girl..
but its strength I lack."
These words
repeating themselves..
Over and over and over again..
Not for the sake of thou
you continue
to beat your brow.
This sickness so pure
I must ask,
"What is the allure?"
I lay still..
wanting to say goodbye
but instead watch
this horrifying script
play out before my eyes.
The ending aleady known..
My beautiful mother..
Destroying her own throne.
my arms outstretched.
Because what I have to say
It is truly for the best
"Please stop"
"You don't need to do this alone"
You are too far away.
With clouds in your eyes
You whisper back,
"I'm so sorry baby girl..
but its strength I lack."
These words
repeating themselves..
Over and over and over again..
Not for the sake of thou
you continue
to beat your brow.
This sickness so pure
I must ask,
"What is the allure?"
I lay still..
wanting to say goodbye
but instead watch
this horrifying script
play out before my eyes.
The ending aleady known..
My beautiful mother..
Destroying her own throne.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Falling Over Myself (one of many dedicated to Tommy Becktold)
Dazed and confused
Why must you
Make me feel so used..
I watch as your ass
walks out that door..
Here i am again
face plant to the floor
Once more
Writhing..
on the floor.
Falling over myself
Wanting.. Wishing.. Believing..
You will come back
Why is it that with you
Strength I lack..
Is it the smell of your skin
The feel of your touch
Who am I kidding?
All said..you ain't much
The fairy tale
we live in
If i stay..
you will win..
My heart..
My soul..
My reality..
Transparent..
As I continue
to fall over myself
Why must you
Make me feel so used..
I watch as your ass
walks out that door..
Here i am again
face plant to the floor
Once more
Writhing..
on the floor.
Falling over myself
Wanting.. Wishing.. Believing..
You will come back
Why is it that with you
Strength I lack..
Is it the smell of your skin
The feel of your touch
Who am I kidding?
All said..you ain't much
The fairy tale
we live in
If i stay..
you will win..
My heart..
My soul..
My reality..
Transparent..
As I continue
to fall over myself
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Untitled
Falling up..
Rising down..
The pain felt
is more than profound.
Screaming out...
Breathing in..
I must catch my breath...
Whichever way must I go?
This I ask..
but I already know..............
So I go......
but not
with the flow.
I fight this current...
these wretched waves..
which enslave me...
and all I gave...
Screaming out..
Breathing in..
I must catch my breath..
So I see..
what it is
that I need to be..
Ripping..
tearing..
Beating..
Overtaking..
my physical...
I must continue..
My soul must go on...
For I am not...
Some worldly pawn.
It is coming..
White Light..
I see it..feel it..
I no longer fight..
For now..
I understand..
my direction..
my purpose..
I embrace the sudden warmth..
The sense of belong.
.and wonder..
how could I have been so wrong..
To know that
that in which held me down
Was no stranger..
but that in which
my mind found..
Rising up..
Falling down..
This beauty discovered
is quite profound..
Rising down..
The pain felt
is more than profound.
Screaming out...
Breathing in..
I must catch my breath...
Whichever way must I go?
This I ask..
but I already know..............
So I go......
but not
with the flow.
I fight this current...
these wretched waves..
which enslave me...
and all I gave...
Screaming out..
Breathing in..
I must catch my breath..
So I see..
what it is
that I need to be..
Ripping..
tearing..
Beating..
Overtaking..
my physical...
I must continue..
My soul must go on...
For I am not...
Some worldly pawn.
It is coming..
White Light..
I see it..feel it..
I no longer fight..
For now..
I understand..
my direction..
my purpose..
I embrace the sudden warmth..
The sense of belong.
.and wonder..
how could I have been so wrong..
To know that
that in which held me down
Was no stranger..
but that in which
my mind found..
Rising up..
Falling down..
This beauty discovered
is quite profound..
Broken Highway
Feeling insane...
a fallen angel
sitting in the rain
alone and broken
always insane...
a lone broken highway
drenched with pain..
a fallen angel
sitting in the rain
alone and broken
always insane...
a lone broken highway
drenched with pain..
You're Darkness
Who would have known
For so long,
This guilt for you
I held on to..
all for you.
This ego you have become
I bravely fight..
but must run from.
Sad but true
my bruises...
even if few..
come from you.
Once my light,
You're darkness I
must fight...
People say"Remember the good times"
Truth be known..
They would be anything but fine..
As the secrets
That you keep
Would make any
and all...weep.
What they see
and think..
What hides in you're darkness
Contradict and create
a sloppy mess.
Capturing the beauty
We once had..
Gives me hope..
Makes me less sad.
It allows the strength I hide..
That you have kept hidden
from the outside..
Step up..To fight
and save, not your ego
but the sacred and right.
For so long,
This guilt for you
I held on to..
all for you.
This ego you have become
I bravely fight..
but must run from.
Sad but true
my bruises...
even if few..
come from you.
Once my light,
You're darkness I
must fight...
People say"Remember the good times"
Truth be known..
They would be anything but fine..
As the secrets
That you keep
Would make any
and all...weep.
What they see
and think..
What hides in you're darkness
Contradict and create
a sloppy mess.
Capturing the beauty
We once had..
Gives me hope..
Makes me less sad.
It allows the strength I hide..
That you have kept hidden
from the outside..
Step up..To fight
and save, not your ego
but the sacred and right.
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